Eulogy

Written by Len Slatest

“Driving over here on a single lane road, I saw a motorist use the dotted line to weave in and out of traffic ahead of him. I thought he must be rushing an injured person to the hospital, and felt badly for this Good Samaritan. But why hadn’t he called 911 instead?

   “A half mile later I spotted his car in the parking lot of a Greek fast food franchise, and made a mental note that their gyro pitas must be spectacular, for this man to risk an insurance claim and auto body work to shave fifteen seconds off his arrival time.

   “You may ask, ‘What has that got to do with the person who has left us?’

   “Whenever Ted met with us personally, he was a great guy. But on the road, he was a terror. He did things in the anonymity of his ride he’d never do in person. Honestly, the roads are a bit safer and less aggravating, now that our friend is gone.

   “Maybe you’ve heard of ‘prisoner’s dilemma’: two rational drivers who don’t cooperate, resulting in a worse outcome for them both than if they had. That was Ted, me-first tunnel vision Ted, focused on his own progress, not the collective flow of traffic.

   “He was the guy in the right lane in back of you who sped up when he saw you trying to merge onto the expressway. On the internet no one knows you’re a dog, and in his vehicle he felt no one knew who he was. But they did: He was a schmuck, something his tinted windows couldn‘t hide.

   “We wanted to honor what he struggled so hard to achieve, so chipped in to pay for his tombstone, which will be engraved with Ted’s name followed by his epitaph:

He got there faster than you did

 
   “Now Ted is gone, but he’s everywhere.

   “When fresh snow piles up on a graded curving entrance ramp to the highway, and you hear the impatient horn of the four-wheel-drive in back of you, Ted is there.

   “When you’re cut off by a driver who figures it’s not rudeness, just survival, Ted is there.

   “When you’re in a sedan in the right lane of a two-lane exit from a strip mall, with a tall SUV in its left lane blocking your view of oncoming traffic, and the beeping car to your rear wants you to make your turn already, Ted is there.

   “When you pull into a mostly empty parking field, and a man parks so close to you he’ll have to undergo a phase change to liquid to get out of his car without dinging yours, Ted is there.

   “I really felt Ted’s presence when the agent renewed my insurance policy with a fifteen percent increase though I’d had no accidents, and he explained since 2019 there’ve been fatal crash increases of twenty-one percent involving unrestrained occupants, eighteen percent owing to alcohol impairment, and seventeen percent from speeding.

   “Ted is everywhere. As long as there’s a guy making a left turn without signaling, Ted is there. As long as someone’s eating a burger at seventy miles an hour, running a red light, cutting you off, tailgating, blocking the intersection, stopping on a dime, blasting loud music, or frying your eyeballs with their high beams, Ted is there.

   “He’s too stubborn to change, and we can’t lick him. He’ll be with us always, ‘cause he’s the driving public.”

About the Author

Len Slatest's fiction and poetry have been published in numerous literary magazines, sometimes for cash. He is nominated for a Pushcart Prize.

Len can be contacted at disputedunit@gmail.com